{"id":1791,"date":"2012-05-01T12:17:51","date_gmt":"2012-05-01T16:17:51","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.hnetalk.com\/?p=1791"},"modified":"2012-05-01T12:17:51","modified_gmt":"2012-05-01T16:17:51","slug":"toxic-relationships","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/2012\/05\/01\/toxic-relationships\/","title":{"rendered":"Toxic Relationships"},"content":{"rendered":"

I have a girlfriend who is currently seeking behavioral health treatment for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)<\/a> due to her childhood and the family she grew up in (but mostly her mother.)\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t overly surprised to hear this diagnosis from her, because she\u2019s told me stories of her family life over the years.\u00a0 Unfortunately for her, the POST part of her diagnosis is a misnomer<\/a> because she is still fully embedded in the trauma inducing family dynamic.\u00a0 So what follows is stemmed from that.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I, too, grew up in a family that could be described using just about every adjective out there: funny, quirky, odd, dramatic, joyful, scary, troubled, secretive, religious, deviant, sweet, criminal \u2013 you name it.\u00a0 With those adjectives came all sorts of bizarre family behaviors and dynamics.<\/p>\n

One dynamic, I\u2019d like to talk to you about was the one with my older two sisters.\u00a0 Our relationships might be described as conspiratorial, as children.\u00a0 We were either stockpiling negative secrets about each other \u2013 waiting to reveal them to our parents when they were confronting us about something (to divert attention to the other sister, of course) or we were joined together actively seeking out secrets about our mother or father, to spring on the other one when they were confronting us.\u00a0 We knew how to push each other\u2019s buttons and took pleasure in it, too.\u00a0 It was a full time job, actually, and what with school work, social lives and generally doing all the things we weren\u2019t supposed to be doing – we were pretty busy.\u00a0 Needless to say, we were an unhealthy family.\u00a0<\/p>\n

But, that didn\u2019t end when we grew up, left home and began our own lives.\u00a0 Once away at college, I began to see my family more clearly.\u00a0 I began to reflect on the dynamics in the home.\u00a0 I would return home for the weekend visits, or holidays and observe them rather than participate.\u00a0 I decided it was something I wanted to distance myself from.<\/p>\n

However, that was difficult.\u00a0 As the years went on I continued to be pulled into my sisters dramas.\u00a0 I was the designated family advice giver \u2013 with rules.\u00a0 My advice must be what fits with what they wanted to hear.\u00a0 If said advice was different, they would pull out of their arsenal, all perceived flaws that I have so they can show me that I am unworthy of giving advice. It was always like this:\u00a0 Hear my upsetting story but don\u2019t have a negative opinion about it or do anything about it or I won\u2019t speak to you again. (Not speaking has happened often in my family.\u00a0 It\u2019s our favorite form of punishment.)\u00a0<\/p>\n

Now, drama in and of itself isn\u2019t bad.\u00a0 Life is drama, right?\u00a0 But most situations I was told about actually presented ethical dilemmas for me.\u00a0 Years of stories about cheating, stalking, lying that affecting their spouses profoundly, manipulations of people and situations, hacking into emails and sending emails off to other people as though you are the originally intended source, alcoholism affecting their children and their jobs, etc.\u00a0\u00a0 Generally horrifying stuff, trust me \u2013 I just told you the mild things.\u00a0<\/p>\n

These relationships with my sisters affected not only my self esteem but general sanity at times.<\/p>\n

It got to the point that I decided I was going to tell them both what I thought about their behavior. I couldn\u2019t take it anymore and had to be true to myself.\u00a0 I did it strongly, without apology and with my own rules.\u00a0 I stated I would not be a part of their lives anymore if their lives continued as they were.\u00a0 Period.\u00a0 I didn\u2019t offer to fix them (I didn\u2019t know how to anyway) and I didn\u2019t offer to listen to any excuses.<\/p>\n

Guess what?\u00a0 They stopped talking to me.\u00a0 I know, big surprise, right?\u00a0 It\u2019s been about 4 years now since I\u2019ve heard from my two older sisters.\u00a0 I can tell you that this spell of not speaking has felt absolutely wonderful.\u00a0 No dramas, no lies, no time wasted on the phone hearing things I\u2019m not allowed to comment on and no husband upset with me over the family I have exposed him to. \u00a0<\/p>\n

\"\"<\/a>\u00a0\u00a0<\/p>\n

I think it\u2019s important, when we find ourselves in these relationships, toxic relationships, if you will, to consider the impact it is having on us and those around us.\u00a0 We need to consider the following things:\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0Children<\/strong><\/p>\n

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that the behavior is acceptable? No, most likely not. Do not accept into your life anything that you feel that you do not want your children exposed to. Your toxic family will have an impact on your children regardless of whether you realize it or not. Children know more about what\u2019s going on in the family than you think they do.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Marriage\/Partnership<\/strong><\/p>\n

Do you want to let your family members cause trouble in your marriage\/partnership? Do you want to have to listen to your family members put down everything that you do in your\u00a0relationship or put down your partner? Do you want to always be watched carefully for anything that they may be able to insult you about? Toxic family members\u00a0may be\u00a0jealous of your\u00a0relationship or they are simply so miserable that they want you to be, too.<\/p>\n

Mental Health<\/strong><\/p>\n

You need to be concerned about your mental health. If you keep letting toxic people into your life then you will be affected. \u00a0You will end up in a therapist\u2019s office if you do not stop contact with toxic family members because they can destroy you mentally.<\/p>\n

Time<\/strong><\/p>\n

We all value our free time, right?\u00a0 We\u2019ve got jobs, partners, kids, weekend plans, things to do\u2026but people like this can be amazing time suckers.\u00a0 Hours on the phone, daily or multiple daily emails, text messages all hours of the day and night and urgent needs that only you (supposedly) can fill \u2013 demanding a response and attention from you or the behavior with increase until you do respond.\u00a0 So you\u2019re in a position of picking yourself or them \u2013 every day.\u00a0 How can you do that?\u00a0 Why should you do that?<\/p>\n

So, in summary, first you need to identify if you are actually in a toxic relationship.\u00a0 There are myriad books on this.\u00a0 Some good, some bad.\u00a0 Definitely, pick wisely.\u00a0 Here I talk about sisters, but this can be any relationship: siblings, parents, friends, adult children, spouse, boy\/girlfriend.\u00a0 Once identified, you have to decide what you are going to do about it.\u00a0 You may decide that you need to end the relationship.\u00a0 It can be a very difficult thing to do. Some people may benefit from talking to a therapist about the situation and then deciding on a way to deal with it that best fits them.\u00a0<\/p>\n

As for me, I have no intention of inviting them back into my life.\u00a0 Don\u2019t get me wrong.\u00a0 I love family.\u00a0 I want family.\u00a0 I ache for family.\u00a0 I wish I had my older sisters in my life, but in a healthy way.\u00a0 If that can\u2019t happen, then I\u2019ll just go on without them.\u00a0<\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I have a girlfriend who is currently seeking behavioral health treatment for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) due to her childhood and the family she grew up in (but mostly her mother.)\u00a0 I wasn\u2019t overly surprised to hear this diagnosis from her, because she\u2019s told me stories of her family life over the years.\u00a0 Unfortunately […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":24,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":false,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[13,19,1],"tags":[52,53,56,64,65,133],"class_list":["post-1791","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-general-health-care-educational-series","category-mind-body-and-spirit","category-uncategorized","tag-dealing-with-difficult-people","tag-dealing-with-difficult-relationships","tag-difficult-relationships","tag-family-disorder","tag-family-dysfunction","tag-toxic-relationships-toxic-people"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p6ZZxW-sT","_links":{"self":[{"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1791","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/24"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1791"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1791\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1791"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1791"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"http:\/\/hnetalk.com\/home\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1791"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}