THE ODD COUPLE
Posted on September 28, 2012
It’s a common scenario. It happens every day. I’m out with my husband and someone I’ve never seen before approaches him warmly and they carry on a very animated conversation. Afterwards, I say, “who is that?” and “how do you know him/her?” It’s always through something he participates in that I don’t. Like the PTO, his racquetball league, coaching youth wrestling or any number of other volunteer activities he does.
He knows everybody, everywhere. And if he doesn’t know them, he will! He’s outgoing, social and friendly. Voted “Most popular” in high school, he’s that type who talks to complete strangers in a silent, crowded elevator. We are almost complete opposites.
I don’t want to know everybody. I don’t care to join this and participate in that. It’s not that I can’t, it’s that it’s not my preference. Yet, we are a couple and I get dragged into a lot of things that I wouldn’t choose. I’m often finding out that I’m signed up to chaperone dances and work the concession stand at football games. He even signed up the whole family to join a Drum and Bugle corps two years ago and march in parades throughout New England! It’s a good thing we all play instruments (but I don’t think he would’ve cared if we couldn’t.)
Luckily for him (and me), my introversion has nothing to do with shyness. I am definitely not shy. I will talk to everyone, I will dance alone on an empty dance floor (if they’re playing my song), I will sing karaoke, and I will tell stories – I’m just not motivated to get myself into the situations that make that happen. And luckily for the sanity of our marriage, I’m pretty good at going along with the things he signs me up for – and he knows too, that when I say “Enough!”, that it’s time for him to go ahead and go by himself. He gets me. I get him.
I find that there are some common misconceptions about us introverts, though. Labels like “shy” and “snob” and “stuck up” and “anti-social” have followed me my whole life. Here is a list of 10 myths, I’ve found, that are adapted from writings by Marti Laney http://hiddengiftsoftheintrovertedchild.com/
Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. Get introverts talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.
Myth #2 – Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an introvert. Introverts are not afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an introvert, just start talking.
Myth #3 – Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.
Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, introverts value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.
Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for introverts.
Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.
Myth #7 – Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm.
Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them; it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.
Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.
Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become extroverts.
A world without introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an extrovert can learn in order to interact with an introvert. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race.
It’s not a problem for me to be introverted. I don’t see it as a negative or something that I need to change about myself. Nor am I jealous that I’m married to Mr. Popular. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go be alone for a while and regroup.
How many of you know what I’m talking about here? Any fellow introverts out there? How does it work out for you when interacting or being in a relationship with an extrovert? Talk to me!
And Jasmine, I know for sure that you can relate to the “introvert doesn’t mean shy” concept because I’ve seen you sing and dance in front of a crowd while being filmed!!
Wow! This was an awesome eye opener. Here I thought all those people were just shy, snobby and stuck up. I am reconfiguring my neurotransmitters right now to be more sensitive and aware about the needs of others – like introverts. I am didicating the rest of today to seek out and speak to at least 30 or 40 introverts and start to include them in my friend circle! How exciting, oh and your husband sounds extremely cool, by the way!
OMG! This is so on point. All of the myths are just that! I love #5. I don’t have a car and I really try to be social but my attention span is short and I love the comfort of my own home so I almost always end up being held hostage by my effort to be social. But all of my friends know that I have a lively personality, not shy at all. More like totally chilled out and focused. Most of the time when I’m in close quarters with an extrovert I just sit back and let them do all of the talking, not in an anti-social way, just happy to let them have the floor. I’m happy to share my opinion when asked, and my response is usually short and to the point. I have been told that I am a woman of few words. Sometimes I’m so blunt that someone feels the need to translate my response. But when you look up “blunt” in the dictionary there is nothing negative about the definition. I truly believe that less is more…except for shoes.