Toxic Relationships
Posted on May 1, 2012
I have a girlfriend who is currently seeking behavioral health treatment for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) due to her childhood and the family she grew up in (but mostly her mother.) I wasn’t overly surprised to hear this diagnosis from her, because she’s told me stories of her family life over the years. Unfortunately for her, the POST part of her diagnosis is a misnomer because she is still fully embedded in the trauma inducing family dynamic. So what follows is stemmed from that.
I, too, grew up in a family that could be described using just about every adjective out there: funny, quirky, odd, dramatic, joyful, scary, troubled, secretive, religious, deviant, sweet, criminal – you name it. With those adjectives came all sorts of bizarre family behaviors and dynamics.
One dynamic, I’d like to talk to you about was the one with my older two sisters. Our relationships might be described as conspiratorial, as children. We were either stockpiling negative secrets about each other – waiting to reveal them to our parents when they were confronting us about something (to divert attention to the other sister, of course) or we were joined together actively seeking out secrets about our mother or father, to spring on the other one when they were confronting us. We knew how to push each other’s buttons and took pleasure in it, too. It was a full time job, actually, and what with school work, social lives and generally doing all the things we weren’t supposed to be doing – we were pretty busy. Needless to say, we were an unhealthy family.
But, that didn’t end when we grew up, left home and began our own lives. Once away at college, I began to see my family more clearly. I began to reflect on the dynamics in the home. I would return home for the weekend visits, or holidays and observe them rather than participate. I decided it was something I wanted to distance myself from.
However, that was difficult. As the years went on I continued to be pulled into my sisters dramas. I was the designated family advice giver – with rules. My advice must be what fits with what they wanted to hear. If said advice was different, they would pull out of their arsenal, all perceived flaws that I have so they can show me that I am unworthy of giving advice. It was always like this: Hear my upsetting story but don’t have a negative opinion about it or do anything about it or I won’t speak to you again. (Not speaking has happened often in my family. It’s our favorite form of punishment.)
Now, drama in and of itself isn’t bad. Life is drama, right? But most situations I was told about actually presented ethical dilemmas for me. Years of stories about cheating, stalking, lying that affecting their spouses profoundly, manipulations of people and situations, hacking into emails and sending emails off to other people as though you are the originally intended source, alcoholism affecting their children and their jobs, etc. Generally horrifying stuff, trust me – I just told you the mild things.
These relationships with my sisters affected not only my self esteem but general sanity at times.
It got to the point that I decided I was going to tell them both what I thought about their behavior. I couldn’t take it anymore and had to be true to myself. I did it strongly, without apology and with my own rules. I stated I would not be a part of their lives anymore if their lives continued as they were. Period. I didn’t offer to fix them (I didn’t know how to anyway) and I didn’t offer to listen to any excuses.
Guess what? They stopped talking to me. I know, big surprise, right? It’s been about 4 years now since I’ve heard from my two older sisters. I can tell you that this spell of not speaking has felt absolutely wonderful. No dramas, no lies, no time wasted on the phone hearing things I’m not allowed to comment on and no husband upset with me over the family I have exposed him to.
I think it’s important, when we find ourselves in these relationships, toxic relationships, if you will, to consider the impact it is having on us and those around us. We need to consider the following things:
Children
Do you want your children to grow up thinking that the behavior is acceptable? No, most likely not. Do not accept into your life anything that you feel that you do not want your children exposed to. Your toxic family will have an impact on your children regardless of whether you realize it or not. Children know more about what’s going on in the family than you think they do.
Marriage/Partnership
Do you want to let your family members cause trouble in your marriage/partnership? Do you want to have to listen to your family members put down everything that you do in your relationship or put down your partner? Do you want to always be watched carefully for anything that they may be able to insult you about? Toxic family members may be jealous of your relationship or they are simply so miserable that they want you to be, too.
Mental Health
You need to be concerned about your mental health. If you keep letting toxic people into your life then you will be affected. You will end up in a therapist’s office if you do not stop contact with toxic family members because they can destroy you mentally.
Time
We all value our free time, right? We’ve got jobs, partners, kids, weekend plans, things to do…but people like this can be amazing time suckers. Hours on the phone, daily or multiple daily emails, text messages all hours of the day and night and urgent needs that only you (supposedly) can fill – demanding a response and attention from you or the behavior with increase until you do respond. So you’re in a position of picking yourself or them – every day. How can you do that? Why should you do that?
So, in summary, first you need to identify if you are actually in a toxic relationship. There are myriad books on this. Some good, some bad. Definitely, pick wisely. Here I talk about sisters, but this can be any relationship: siblings, parents, friends, adult children, spouse, boy/girlfriend. Once identified, you have to decide what you are going to do about it. You may decide that you need to end the relationship. It can be a very difficult thing to do. Some people may benefit from talking to a therapist about the situation and then deciding on a way to deal with it that best fits them.
As for me, I have no intention of inviting them back into my life. Don’t get me wrong. I love family. I want family. I ache for family. I wish I had my older sisters in my life, but in a healthy way. If that can’t happen, then I’ll just go on without them.
God bless you! Your family sounds a lot like my wife’s family – I used to joke with her that her mother and grandmother weren’t happy unless they were unhappy! Now that they’re both gone, my wife is so much happier and relaxed – she was always on edge, and it affected so much of her life.