Empty Nest Syndrome
Posted on July 21, 2011
SPICE: That’s right – Empty Nest Syndrome. It’s when all your little birdies fly away. I’m so in that moment right now. You see, I have three little birdies; two of which are getting ready to fly.
And exactly WHO gave them permission to do that? I know they didn’t ask ME. Doesn’t anyone care how I feel about this?!
I’m not ready. I’m not ready. I’m not ready. (Picture me throwing a temper tantrum. See example included here.)
I mean what the heck? When did they grow up? I missed it while I was blinking!!!!
Here’s the thing. I’ve got so many conflicting feelings about this moment in life. On the one hand, I’m very happy that they are about to begin their new adventures. I can be logical about this. They are ready to leave home and see what they will make of their lives. And I am proud to know that I’ve raised children that are strong in character and capable of making independent decisions and moving forward on those decisions with conviction. I’m also thankful that both of them are going to have an income. That’s not a small thing for this generation. A large percentage of children either return home to their parents after college because they cannot find a job or cannot afford to support themselves on the salary they are paid. So for that, I am very thankful.
However, I have a surprising feeling I didn’t know was coming. I feel…what is it….abandoned. It’s like this – you spend so much time and energy as a parent just giving, giving, giving. Your time is spent worrying about them, your money goes to provide them with food, a home, clothing, fun things, necessary things, and all your efforts, energy, advice and emotions are focused on them. I know that growing up and going out on their own is the ultimate goal. But when you get them there, it’s a little bit like having the rug pulled out from underneath you.
Plus, I’m going to miss them. They are my buddies. They are fun to have around. Everything I do is better with their company. What a loss. (I think I need to explain here that they aren’t just moving into their own apartments in the same town or even state. Eldest child is moving to Japan (yes. JAPAN. The whole other side of the whole planet!) and middle child is joining the Coast Guard. Will he be stationed in New England afterwards? I doubt it. SO, yeah. Can I get an “OMG?” Can you give me a little sympathy here?)
Oh! I just thought of it! You know what I might need? A ceremony! Yes! I need a Rite of Passage event. Something where I give them their Official Adult diploma and they give me a Good Parent one in return. Then we can throw our hats in the air and take pictures and have a cake! I think I’ll start planning that tonight. 
Well, that’s my story. I’m depressed.
But, hey! I do have one little birdie left to obsess over…
Come to Momma!
Tell me – How was this for you? What did you feel? How did you survive?!!? I need advice! Or medication!
This time is one of the hardest times of your life. I know because I have been there. Our children are 26 and 27 (11 months apart) so I had both of them leave about the same time.
One of the hardest things to get used to is being known as yourself not I’m Tom’s Mom or I’m Stacy’s Mom. For me my children were both very involved in high school and college so I found myself introducing myself like that for so many years when I attended an event that they were involved in. Breaking that was hard for me but it is ok now. Time does really help.
It is a HUGE thing going through this but at least you have one still at home. I didn’t have that. Be careful not to smother that one too much. Practice pulling away a little at a time with this one since you know what you will be up against before you know it.
I can say that our children are adults that I would be proud to call my close friends. But I have a better relationship then that because they are my family and I am lucky for that.
They are not kids any more and you have understand that. When they come back to you for help or advise, jump for joy INSIDE and give them the same good advise you have always done. Don’t tell them what to do but rather offer options about what they are asking and let them make their own decision. They will love you even more for that. Don’t treat them like they are still little children but rather treat them the way they should be treated – like adults talking to someone they love and trust like no one else.
I find the hardest thing for me is to understand my place in their lives. I will always be their mom but for me, my 2 have started their own lives with others. You are right – this is why we have done all that we have done over the years but it is still hard to get a grip on that.
But for me the lines of communication has always been open because I respect them as adults. But when ever I have needed either of them – they have been there for me. It could be a simple thing like a conversation with my daughter when I was having a ‘sensative day’or as big of a thing like when my husband was diagnosed with cancer. They were there no matter what else was on their plate at that time because we are family.
You have built a strong family and no distance or time and destroy that. Continue to love and respect them as the wonderful people that they are. As far as the one going to Japan, get skype for your computer so you can see and talk to them. That helped me when my daughter mover to England for awhile. Seeing her help me realize that she was really ok. Actually that can help for both of your children.
No one ever said that being a good Mom would be easy.
It sounds like you have earned a A+.
So celebrate that!
Remember it is ok to be depressed and shed tears when you need to. I got through it without medication but my husband will tell you when I cry for no reason he sill doesn’t know what to do or say to make me feel better. The honest truth is that there is nothing that anyone can do or say to make you feel better. You just have to get through the day any way you can and if that means you shed tears now and then so be it.
Remember one thing someone wise person once told me – “If he brings you to it, he will get you through it”.
The wise person who shared that with me was my daughter.
I’m just the opposite of all of you. My birdies few the coup only to return with more little birdies. They left again and came back again and the house is quite full. I’ve never had the chance to know this empty feeling. But I have been depressed at times. But my plate is overflowing for a reason and I go on each day so someone must be looking over my shoulder. And so far gets me through it daily.
In fact the house is now being reorganized incase my 96 yr old mom has to come live with us also.
My home is now know as Vachon’s homestead similar to Walton’s Mountain.